First of all, let me start by saying I don't get why some people say they have a complicated relationship with their mother. I'd say I have a more complicated relationship with food. My mother and I, we love each other most of the time but sometimes don't like each other very much, that's a clear pattern - but food? oh that is an entirely different story.
You see, as far as I can remember -- probably ever since I learned to formulate memories I've always had this push and pull with food. And, today I've finally broken through the denial phase after more than 20 years.
I ate a chocolate bar. I felt an overwhelming guilt right after.
Finally, I've reached this phase. For the longest time binge eating has never affected me in the slightest, or probably I have great denial skills.
So, now I've crossed that barrier and now I feel something. Shame. Guilt. Fear. Whatever emotion or state of mind it may be, I'm just glad that there is some kind of reaction. As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago I've already started eliminating soda to my diet --- it's not really by choice but brought upon by fear and recently I've been banking on fear a lot. It does me and my body good.
I am definitely not on a diet, but I believe my mind and body are unconsciously choosing the right kind of foods for me. I can't sleep well or eliminate well if I eat a lot of pork or anything that is fried. I get an upset stomach if I eat white rice, the only thing I can keep down is brown rice and mais (don't know how you call that in English but they are really small grained) --- and right now I'm trying some black rice.
oh dear, I think my body is taking control over me...my emotions and hormones are kicking into restore factory settings.
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